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Sharktopus Live Extravaganza!

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It’s Sharktopus time! Yes, we are taking the Emptywheel blog to new and fantastic heights tonight, all with you, our dear readers, commenters and friends in mind! Watch the world premier of a sure fir Oscar winner, Sharktopus, with us. All you have to do is tune your TeeVee to SyFy Channel at 9:00 pm Eastern, 8:00 pm Central and join us in comments as you watch and imbibe. For those on the west coast, we will be repeating the festivities when you can play at 9:00 pm Pacific, Arizona and FDL time.

The festivities will be led by Eli from FDL, Marcy Wheeler and some special guests, including the very disturbing, yet intriguing, “Mystery Dub”. Since the west coast will not get to see Sharktopus until 9 pm PST/FDL time, the whole event will be repeated with bmaz and, hopefully, some other special guests, celebrities and you!

With no further adieu:

Sharktopus is a killing machine, half shark and half octopus. From the Sharktopus entry in Uncyclopedia:

The sharktopus is tough, but fair. Actually, it’s not fair at all, it’s absolutely merciless and it will just fuck you up! It is also sophisticated, a gourmand and a member of MENSA Elite!!!It is a creature so evil that it was cast from the pits of hell and sent to kill all those who enter the sea. Combining the many rows of serrated teeth found in sharks and the awesome suction cup power of the octopus.

When you venture too close to the ocean, or make the critical error of stumbling into the ocean, you are fucked! The sharktopus will latch on with its tentacles, violate you and then start eating you feet first. It’s believed that it wants you to feel pain, hence the feet first. Man it’s painful, just ask Satan. After it eats you, it then goes after your family.

The sharktopus has three amazing abilities to make its killing arsenal very deadly. Ability the first: it can smell bloodlines. This ability has lead to the extermination of copious amounts of families. And has torn others apart based on bastard children. Nobody is safe. Ability the second: it can go on land when the bloodline vendetta has been announced. Once it has a target it can hunt you down no matter where you are, unless you live in the cloud city of Bespin. Ability the third: it is high skilled in a variety of…skills. Such as its proficiency in Southern Mantis style kung-fu, being adept at handling a variety of firearms, satisfaction of women, (much more after jump) Read more →

Trash Talkin Texas Style

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This week’s Lowell Thomas travelogue takes our rolling wheels on down south to Texas. Because the Lone Star State is where, by far, the most important and compelling game is to be found. That would be Jerry Jones’ ‘Boys visiting the upstart Houston Texans. In honor of our trip down south, we have two, count em two musical selections this week. The first is from that little old band from Tejas, ZZ Top with their classic tale of a trip to an, ahem, girls club – La Grange. A little bit o trivia, La Grange is the actual “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” made famous on stage and in film. The second selection is Gimme a T For Texas by Lynyrd Skynyrd in honor of the death of the actual namesake himself, Mr. Leonard Skinner.

But before we get down to the gridiron festivities, there is one big matter CHOMPing at the bits. Sharktopus! That’s right, tonight is the Emptywheel Sharktopus World Premier Sharktacular Extravaganza! The initial festivities kick off shortly before 9 pm Eastern time (8 pm Central) and will be hosted by Marcy, Eli from FDL and special guest Mystery Dub. Now, unfortunately, out here on the best coast, er left coast, we do not get the movie until 9 pm our time (that would be 9 pm Pacific, FDL and Arizona time), so I will be hosting a second set of festivities for all the west coast shark biters and bitees. This is the grand reemergence of the master of campy summer slasher movies, Roger Corman, and promises to be a load of really tacky and crazy fun. So, if you love seeing hot babes in bikinis frolicking and then being eaten by sharks – and who doesn’t?? – then join us tonight! (Much more after jump) Read more →

Trash Talk: It Comes Out Of The Swamp Cool and Slow….

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Comes out of the Virginia swamps

Cool and slow with plenty of precision

With a back beat narrow and hard to master

Some call it heavenly in it’s brilliance

Others, mean and ruthful of the Western dream….

I love the friends I have gathered together on this thin raft

We have constructed pyramids in honor of our escaping

Yes, it is the Texas Radio and the Big Beat. But, more importantly, it is this week’s Trash Talk …. and Sharktopus! Before we get down to this week’s slate of sporting festivities, we here at the incomparable Emptywheel blog have a truly special announcement! In one short week, on Saturday night September 25, 2010, we will be proudly going where no blog has gone before (thankfully probably). Yes, we will be liveblogging, FDL Mystery Theater 3000 style, the grand world premier of the movie of the century, Sharktopus!

As a special taser – er, teaser – I have attached the amazing trailer from this certain Oscar winning celluloid classic. And, thanks to the miracle that is cable TeeVee, you too will be able to watch and participate from the comfort of yer own abodes (i.e. For those scoring at home, and even those alone). This event will, MST3K style, be hosted by me, Eli from FDL and, if we can get her likkered up enough, Marcy (she needs some encouragement!). The event will go off next Saturday night at 9:00 pm EST, 6:00 pm PST/FDL time. The bar here will be open 20-30 minutes before the curtains go up. Bring your bikinis and shark repellant!

Student Athaletes: Okay, I’m going homer this week. And I ain’t talking Simpson. The game of the week is Iowa at Arizona. The 9th ranked Hawks fly into the 24th ranked Cat lair. Both teams are 2-0, and this is an always intense and entertaining Pac-10/Big-10 matchup – and not even in the Rose Bowl (that never happened except in the Rose Bowl when I was growing up; else Bo Schembechler and Woody Hayes would have lost a lot more games). Two very top tier quarterbacks, Ricky Stanzi for the Hawks and Nick Foles for the Cats. Both teams have potent offenses and tough defenses to date in the still young season. You have to give the coaching edge to Iowa’s Kirk Farentz over the Benny Stulwiz like Bob Stoops for Arizona. But the contest is a night game on Bear Down Field in Tucson and that is special; Cats win in an upset.

Sticking with the homer routine, the other game of the day (I hope; cross my fingers, otherwise it could be a rout), is ASU at Camp Randall Stadium to visit the Wisconsin Badgers. Another Pac-10/Big-10 hookup. Just doesn’t seem right, but there you have it. I actually have friends with more dollars than sense who have travelled up to the Land ‘O Cheese to get a brat and see the game. Suckers. The Badgers are 11th ranked and always solid, if rarely exciting. The Badgers have a superior ground game, with the Devils having the slight edge at quarterback with Michigan transfer Steve Threet. ASU has also gone to the popular spread offense this year and they often run it hurry up style.. ASU is better tha people think, but the Big Bad Badgers are to much for them at Camp Randall.

Florida at Rocky Top to visit the Vols might be interesting if Florida keeps playing like a run of the mill team; but they should be able to get by the rebuilding in the wake of Hurricane Kiffin Vols. Number 8 Nebraska goes to Seattle to take on Jake Locker and the Washington Huskies. This has got upset written all over it; Huskies remind the Cornfuskers they are just an average team – like Notre Dame – now. Lastly we got the Texas-Texas Tech tilt. With no Mike Leach on the sidelines, no way the Red Raiders keep up with the Whorens. Both schools are down a little, but Texas at least has a continuity facto and that is enough. Special mention for Pirates of the Gulf Coast, the Cougs of Houston and Casey Keenum travel to Rodeo Drive 90210 to visit UCLA. The Bruins are terribly disappointing and Keenum and the Cougs should win easy.

Professional Athaletes: Thunder Island is the talk of the town this weekend. Randy Moss promises to bring the old time Brady to Moss thunder and Darrelle Revis swears he is still an island. But that would be an island with a tight hamstring per the latest hard knock pre-excuse from the running mouth Jets. Sorry, Pats go 2-0 and put themselves in the division catbird seat while the still lost Mark Sanchez and the Jets fall to 0-2.

The remaining slate of games is not all that exciting, but there are a couple to note. Cardinals at Atlanta will tell us a lot about both teams. Cards won a squeaker last week but looked crappy on offense; Dirty Birds lost their opener to teh Stillers and do not want to go down to 0-2 in what was supposed to be a promising season. This game is a toss up. Same analysis holds for the Ravens at Bengals, but the strong wind is with Ray Lewis and the Ravens as Cinci bungles to 0-2. Sea Squawks at Doncos looks interesting; I may regret this, but I will take the Squawks. Lastly, the Manning Bowl. Dunno why, but I just cannot get as excited about this as I should. There seems to be some air let out of the Peytons these days and the Giants have been pretty blase ever since their improbable SuperBowl run a couple of years ago. But the Colts have the better Manning and better receivers for him to throw to, so I will take the Colts.

In the also ran category, I got the Saints over the Niners, Bolts over Jags, Raiders rout the Rams, Texans trample the Skins (could be good game though), Eagles and Mike Vick run wild on the Matt Stafford-less Lions, Vikings rebound over the Fish, Chiefs go to 2-0 over the Brownies, Panthers over Bucs, Packers obliterate the Bills at Lambeau, Cowboys and Bears and Stillers and Titans are both pick-ems. There is your schedule, get to talking about it folks

Might as well trash this joint, because after the Sharktopus rapture weekend a week from now, there will be no turning back. Let er rip. For the children.