It’s Sharktopus time! Yes, we are taking the Emptywheel blog to new and fantastic heights tonight, all with you, our dear readers, commenters and friends in mind! Watch the world premier of a sure fir Oscar winner, Sharktopus, with us. All you have to do is tune your TeeVee to SyFy Channel at 9:00 pm Eastern, 8:00 pm Central and join us in comments as you watch and imbibe. For those on the west coast, we will be repeating the festivities when you can play at 9:00 pm Pacific, Arizona and FDL time.
The festivities will be led by Eli from FDL, Marcy Wheeler and some special guests, including the very disturbing, yet intriguing, “Mystery Dub”. Since the west coast will not get to see Sharktopus until 9 pm PST/FDL time, the whole event will be repeated with bmaz and, hopefully, some other special guests, celebrities and you!
With no further adieu:
Sharktopus is a killing machine, half shark and half octopus. From the Sharktopus entry in Uncyclopedia:
The sharktopus is tough, but fair. Actually, it’s not fair at all, it’s absolutely merciless and it will just fuck you up! It is also sophisticated, a gourmand and a member of MENSA Elite!!!It is a creature so evil that it was cast from the pits of hell and sent to kill all those who enter the sea. Combining the many rows of serrated teeth found in sharks and the awesome suction cup power of the octopus.
When you venture too close to the ocean, or make the critical error of stumbling into the ocean, you are fucked! The sharktopus will latch on with its tentacles, violate you and then start eating you feet first. It’s believed that it wants you to feel pain, hence the feet first. Man it’s painful, just ask Satan. After it eats you, it then goes after your family.
The sharktopus has three amazing abilities to make its killing arsenal very deadly. Ability the first: it can smell bloodlines. This ability has lead to the extermination of copious amounts of families. And has torn others apart based on bastard children. Nobody is safe. Ability the second: it can go on land when the bloodline vendetta has been announced. Once it has a target it can hunt you down no matter where you are, unless you live in the cloud city of Bespin. Ability the third: it is high skilled in a variety of…skills. Such as its proficiency in Southern Mantis style kung-fu, being adept at handling a variety of firearms, satisfaction of women, (much more after jump) political prowess, fishing, building sand castles, pointing out peoples flaws and the fundamental skill of devouring human flesh. These have made them renowned bounty hunters and mercenaries for the Irish.
This abomination was Satan’s attempt to play god. He thought there was a market for Shark-octopus porn, but that logic was flawed. So very flawed. He didn’t make his actors use protection and 8 weeks later a whole slew of eggs was found. These eggs then hatched (which is what they do) and ate everything else in the aquarium. When they grew up, Satan made the mistake of venturing into their tank and was bitten not once, not twice, but a total of 69 times. Rather than do anything, he simply cast them to Hell 2.0, otherwise known as the Jersey shore. He was quite clearly annoyed with it all.
Word. Sharktopus is the latest, and perhaps greatest, from director and producer Roger Corman.
In Corman’s most active period, he would produce up to seven movies a year. His fastest film was perhaps The Little Shop of Horrors (1960), which was reputedly shot in two days and one night[6]. Supposedly, he had made a bet that he could shoot an entire feature film in less than three days. Another version of the story claims that he had a set rented for a month, and finished using it with three days to spare, thus pushing him to use the set to make a new film (These claims are disputed by others who worked on the film, who have called it part of Corman’s own myth-building). Although highly cost-effective, Corman’s parsimonious approach to filmmaking was not without its critics; Charles B. Griffith, who wrote the original screenplay for Little Shop, later remarked that “[Corman] uses half his genius to degrade his own work, and the rest to degrade the artists who work for him.”
Corman is probably best known for his filmings of various Edgar Allan Poe stories at American International Pictures, mostly in collaboration with writer/scenarist Richard Matheson, including House of Usher (1960), The Pit and the Pendulum (1961), The Premature Burial (1962), Tales of Terror (1962), The Raven (1963), The Haunted Palace (1963), The Masque of the Red Death (1964), and The Tomb of Ligeia (1964). All but Premature Burial starred Vincent Price. After the film version of The Raven was completed, he reportedly realized he still had some shooting days left before the sets were torn down and so made another film; The Terror (1963) on the spot with the remaining cast, crew and sets.
He also directed one of William Shatner’s earliest appearances in a lead role, with The Intruder (1962). Based on a novel by Charles Beaumont, the film, made for approximately USD$80,000, has become famous for its treatment of segregation and civil rights.
In 1970, Corman founded New World Pictures which became a small independently owned production/distribution studio, releasing many cult films such Death Race 2000 (1975), Galaxy of Terror (1981), Children of the Corn (1983), and the Joe Dante film Piranha (1978). Corman eventually sold New World to an investment group in 1983, and later formed Concorde Pictures and later New Horizons.
Corman’s penultimate film as director was 1971’s Von Richthofen and Brown (he had always wanted to make an aviation movie, being a pilot himself). He then returned to directing once more with 1990’s Frankenstein Unbound. In total, Roger Corman has produced over 300 movies and directed over 50.
Sharktopus is a smooth guy, former Miss USA hooked up with him. Sharktopus is an environmentalist; but is a bad boy too, having had a restraining order issued against six out of his eight tentacles. Sharktopus learned his lesson, and is now a fierce court litigator.
So, as you can tell, this is gonna be one hell of a fun time tonight for this grand world premiere! Join us watching drinking and commenting. It is you duty to the world!